How to know the man of your dreams is actually a 12 year old boy.

"It's not you, it's me."

A quintessential, time honored excuse that conveys not only veiled accusation, but complete innocence on the part of the speaker. Truly a turn of phrase crafted by the high blacksmiths of language and accountability, this string of words has become the equivalent of claiming the death of a relative to get out of work. Nobody believes you, but they can't argue. It's not illegal, but it's frowned upon. The same goes for playing the diarrhea card in a nurse's office at school. This is the fabled "get out of jail free" card you've always hoped for, which you may need to play if this list IN ANY WAY applies to you. Below is a list of poignant observations that might steer you in the direction of possibly realizing that you aren't dating the man of your dreams, but instead, a 12 year old.

As with all lists, this is 100% factual, and also aimed directly at you; part of a very, very narrow audience.

1. His parents just don't like you
These waters are always a little perilous...I mean, what parents aren't protective of their precious child? It takes work to gain the trust of your boyfriend's elders, and it surely doesn't come quickly or easily.

It's definitely exacerbated by the fact that he lives with his family. It's so hard to get any privacy, and even harder to get their approval. Add that with the fact that he's always so busy with homework and and tee-ball, his parents just see you as a distraction from getting good grades...in a few years when it actually counts.

It's also just a slap in the face that his parents would have the audacity to give you money to break it off with him on a weekly basis. At least they have the decency to leave the house for a few hours each time they give you this opportunity. 

They're right, it's weird.


2. He's not really into the same things as you
They say opposites attract; maybe there is some credence to that sentiment. Naturally you were attracted to that bad boy, uninterested in your affections archetype, but you thought after a couple months you might grow closer and become more emotionally intimate, thus breaking down his brick walls of indifference casting a shadow over your growth as a couple.

But, as time went on, it just never really...meshed, did it? He's so busy with his after school activities, and we all know that the mothers of Xbox Live users aren't going to just go fuck themselves. Where are those deep talks about the nature of reality you crave? Perhaps discussions on the current political fare and the ironic commentary as you pretend to be mainstream media anchors? No. He refuses to cater to your high minded endeavors, and you want him even more for it. 

"Get off my nuts, I'm playing Cruisin USA"


3. He really gets on your nerves sometimes
How hard is it to say the word library? Why is it always "libary", and "I don't want to go there"? 

His uninspired attempts at comedy fall far short of even the mildly funny line, such as the time he mused that fool's gold might pay for your meal of lobster, and his of fish sticks, and left pogs as a tip. Nobody laughed, and he tried to play it straight. 

Like I give a fuck

4.He's always making excuses
Gas isn't free, am I right? How about he picks you up for once? For all the bragging he does about his "job" as a security guard that issues tickets during ten minute increments, you've never seen the spoils of such labors. He's always putting off plans with vague excuses like "Well, I'll have to ask if that's okay" or "I'm not sure if I'm allowed", as if his religion ever stopped him from doing what he wanted to do. No matter what you say, you just can't get him to admit to any wrong, and his indifference is just a that much more of a magnetic pull on you.