3 Ways To Know You Are Actually A Sentient Potato

I think we are all in agreement that something about life, and the universe, just isn't quite right. I am here to posit that perhaps it is because some of us are actually potatoes, infected with the illusion of humanity. Naturally, all the information that follows is not only true, but infallible, due to it being in list form. 




1. You feel like you just don't fit in
Who hasn't had this feeling? Nobody, that's who. Maybe you felt this way at school, maybe at a party, perhaps even in your own family. It's that subtle feeling of a knot in your stomach that says "You don't belong here, and nobody will ever understand you."

That is because you are a potato, That knot is actually just a knot on your person (potato). I've heard you could remove that knot in your stomach and a new potato would grow from it. Weird right? What you are experiencing is rejection by humans, who definitely know that you are potato. I mean, they DEFINITELY know. I think it's safe to say you're the only one who doesn't know.

You didn't fit in at school because you were hanging out in the cafeteria under a heat lamp. Nobody hangs out there but potatoes and other foods. You felt that sense of dread at parties because you were on a short list of things to eat when the real people drank too much. You feel estranged from your family because they are all thinly sliced, baked versions of you. (mom and dad pictured below)  

Seriously though, you'll never fit in because humans can't understand the whims and whimsies of potatoes, nor want to. 

2. You feel like you are an actual human being

It's all too often you hear the common cry of the potato in an existential crisis. They say things like "But I can feel! I CAN FEEL DAMNIT!" or "Does my skin not bruise when damaged? Does the sun not also burn me?".

Classic potato bullshit.

Potatoes, or people as they call themselves, do in fact have skin. I'll even go so far as to say it does bruise when damaged, but the arrogant claims to humanity end there. Can a potato...feel? This is a common confusion among potatoes with delusions of sentience, but the answer remains no. They see their neighbor, Broccoli, and delude themselves into thinking they they, also, have some form of a primitive nervous system. Hilarity.

Another common misconception among the potato community is to mistake the sun for the brilliant heat of an oven. Tales of this "bountiful warmth and light" may reach their potato ears in their home under the earth, but the fact remains, a potato never sees the light of day without human intervention. They also mistake sour cream for sun tan lotion, and the word 'bud' for the word 'spud'. Stupid potatoes.

All potatoes look fat. 

3. Sometimes, you get sad
I've talked with a number of potatoes masquerading as people, and one thing is common between all of them; they all feel depressed.

I'm no psychologist, but if I were to venture a guess, I would imagine that being an inanimate root with the ability to think buried under dirt for most of its life would, in fact, make such a potato sad.

If one were so inclined to delve deeper into the emotional agonies of being a potato, one might discover that the sun is necessary for the production of vitamin D, and the lack thereof has often been linked to depression. This would, of course, suggest that the 'self' is not entirely rooted in a physical form, like a brain, being that a potato possesses no such organ, and would then lead to a much deeper philosophical discussion...that potatoes would have no part in.

BUT, since we have established that I am no PHD candidate of any kind, I would base my diagnosis of 'sad feelings' in potatoes to a lesson I learned from cartoons and childhood mentors alike: Be yourself. Potatoes immersed in the charade of humanity have clearly forgotten their...dare I say...roots?

(An apt portrayal of potato existential crisis)

In summary, you might be a potato if you feel these things that I have listed. More than likely, you are, because this list, like most others on the internet, are extremely specific and have a very, very narrow audience to whom it applies.

I hope this has been illuminating, and if you find you are a potato, that illumination is a broiler.