How to know the man of your dreams is actually a 12 year old boy.

"It's not you, it's me."

A quintessential, time honored excuse that conveys not only veiled accusation, but complete innocence on the part of the speaker. Truly a turn of phrase crafted by the high blacksmiths of language and accountability, this string of words has become the equivalent of claiming the death of a relative to get out of work. Nobody believes you, but they can't argue. It's not illegal, but it's frowned upon. The same goes for playing the diarrhea card in a nurse's office at school. This is the fabled "get out of jail free" card you've always hoped for, which you may need to play if this list IN ANY WAY applies to you. Below is a list of poignant observations that might steer you in the direction of possibly realizing that you aren't dating the man of your dreams, but instead, a 12 year old.

As with all lists, this is 100% factual, and also aimed directly at you; part of a very, very narrow audience.

1. His parents just don't like you
These waters are always a little perilous...I mean, what parents aren't protective of their precious child? It takes work to gain the trust of your boyfriend's elders, and it surely doesn't come quickly or easily.

It's definitely exacerbated by the fact that he lives with his family. It's so hard to get any privacy, and even harder to get their approval. Add that with the fact that he's always so busy with homework and and tee-ball, his parents just see you as a distraction from getting good grades...in a few years when it actually counts.

It's also just a slap in the face that his parents would have the audacity to give you money to break it off with him on a weekly basis. At least they have the decency to leave the house for a few hours each time they give you this opportunity. 

They're right, it's weird.


2. He's not really into the same things as you
They say opposites attract; maybe there is some credence to that sentiment. Naturally you were attracted to that bad boy, uninterested in your affections archetype, but you thought after a couple months you might grow closer and become more emotionally intimate, thus breaking down his brick walls of indifference casting a shadow over your growth as a couple.

But, as time went on, it just never really...meshed, did it? He's so busy with his after school activities, and we all know that the mothers of Xbox Live users aren't going to just go fuck themselves. Where are those deep talks about the nature of reality you crave? Perhaps discussions on the current political fare and the ironic commentary as you pretend to be mainstream media anchors? No. He refuses to cater to your high minded endeavors, and you want him even more for it. 

"Get off my nuts, I'm playing Cruisin USA"


3. He really gets on your nerves sometimes
How hard is it to say the word library? Why is it always "libary", and "I don't want to go there"? 

His uninspired attempts at comedy fall far short of even the mildly funny line, such as the time he mused that fool's gold might pay for your meal of lobster, and his of fish sticks, and left pogs as a tip. Nobody laughed, and he tried to play it straight. 

Like I give a fuck

4.He's always making excuses
Gas isn't free, am I right? How about he picks you up for once? For all the bragging he does about his "job" as a security guard that issues tickets during ten minute increments, you've never seen the spoils of such labors. He's always putting off plans with vague excuses like "Well, I'll have to ask if that's okay" or "I'm not sure if I'm allowed", as if his religion ever stopped him from doing what he wanted to do. No matter what you say, you just can't get him to admit to any wrong, and his indifference is just a that much more of a magnetic pull on you.

3 Ways To Know You Are Actually A Sentient Potato

I think we are all in agreement that something about life, and the universe, just isn't quite right. I am here to posit that perhaps it is because some of us are actually potatoes, infected with the illusion of humanity. Naturally, all the information that follows is not only true, but infallible, due to it being in list form. 




1. You feel like you just don't fit in
Who hasn't had this feeling? Nobody, that's who. Maybe you felt this way at school, maybe at a party, perhaps even in your own family. It's that subtle feeling of a knot in your stomach that says "You don't belong here, and nobody will ever understand you."

That is because you are a potato, That knot is actually just a knot on your person (potato). I've heard you could remove that knot in your stomach and a new potato would grow from it. Weird right? What you are experiencing is rejection by humans, who definitely know that you are potato. I mean, they DEFINITELY know. I think it's safe to say you're the only one who doesn't know.

You didn't fit in at school because you were hanging out in the cafeteria under a heat lamp. Nobody hangs out there but potatoes and other foods. You felt that sense of dread at parties because you were on a short list of things to eat when the real people drank too much. You feel estranged from your family because they are all thinly sliced, baked versions of you. (mom and dad pictured below)  

Seriously though, you'll never fit in because humans can't understand the whims and whimsies of potatoes, nor want to. 

2. You feel like you are an actual human being

It's all too often you hear the common cry of the potato in an existential crisis. They say things like "But I can feel! I CAN FEEL DAMNIT!" or "Does my skin not bruise when damaged? Does the sun not also burn me?".

Classic potato bullshit.

Potatoes, or people as they call themselves, do in fact have skin. I'll even go so far as to say it does bruise when damaged, but the arrogant claims to humanity end there. Can a potato...feel? This is a common confusion among potatoes with delusions of sentience, but the answer remains no. They see their neighbor, Broccoli, and delude themselves into thinking they they, also, have some form of a primitive nervous system. Hilarity.

Another common misconception among the potato community is to mistake the sun for the brilliant heat of an oven. Tales of this "bountiful warmth and light" may reach their potato ears in their home under the earth, but the fact remains, a potato never sees the light of day without human intervention. They also mistake sour cream for sun tan lotion, and the word 'bud' for the word 'spud'. Stupid potatoes.

All potatoes look fat. 

3. Sometimes, you get sad
I've talked with a number of potatoes masquerading as people, and one thing is common between all of them; they all feel depressed.

I'm no psychologist, but if I were to venture a guess, I would imagine that being an inanimate root with the ability to think buried under dirt for most of its life would, in fact, make such a potato sad.

If one were so inclined to delve deeper into the emotional agonies of being a potato, one might discover that the sun is necessary for the production of vitamin D, and the lack thereof has often been linked to depression. This would, of course, suggest that the 'self' is not entirely rooted in a physical form, like a brain, being that a potato possesses no such organ, and would then lead to a much deeper philosophical discussion...that potatoes would have no part in.

BUT, since we have established that I am no PHD candidate of any kind, I would base my diagnosis of 'sad feelings' in potatoes to a lesson I learned from cartoons and childhood mentors alike: Be yourself. Potatoes immersed in the charade of humanity have clearly forgotten their...dare I say...roots?

(An apt portrayal of potato existential crisis)

In summary, you might be a potato if you feel these things that I have listed. More than likely, you are, because this list, like most others on the internet, are extremely specific and have a very, very narrow audience to whom it applies.

I hope this has been illuminating, and if you find you are a potato, that illumination is a broiler. 

 

No. 2: Robots.

Recently I read about these nanorobots that can replicate themselves and build basically anything they want, out of themselves. No, I haven't slept well since this discovery. 


This poses a massive problem not only for me, but for every living and breathing organism in the world, and possibly universe. The implications of such an invention are going to be catastrophic, and will no doubt usher in the apocalypse. There are no ifs about this, robots end the world. Now I'm not sure who set out on this mission to create pure evil, or what the hell was going through their heads when they did it, but clearly they have never seen a Terminator movie. For fuck's sake, I hope one of you is John Connor and can handle this problem, because I don't have the technology or the ability to travel back in time, yet.


The problem with robots is simple: they make decisions based on math equations. No good decision has ever been made based on math, the second most terrible thing aside from robots. Robot math is very complex but based on only two things. 1's and 0's. Each of these numbers has a distinct meaning. 1=kill human, 0=destroy all humans. Clearly there are always important decisions going on in a robot brain.

This, of course, is the most extreme case of robots building robots so far, but this sort of thing has been going on for a long time, and it's a complete mindfuck that it's been allowed to happen. Now I haven't seen these little robots that assemble thousands of themselves into some sort of icy, harbinger of death type monster, but my guess is that it has cold, dead eyes and spider legs,and most likely the attitude of the pyramid head guy from Silent Hill that rips people's skin off. Well, that's what it'd look like to me, obviously it'd operate on firmware derived from the movie IT, where it becomes exactly what terrifies you the most. Leave it to a fucking robot to become an amalgamation of every horrible, nightmarish being to ever exist.

So you might ask, why would scientists create such a thing? Well, it's because they can, and they've never had a robot uprising. Clearly an army of robots setting out on a mass human genocide is the only thing that would possibly make a scientist think, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't make fucking robots that can replicate and become anything."

Fucking scientists. They take your worst nightmares and bring them to fruition. You know how a scientist would deal with a dark army of evil robots? They'd build more robots to fight the evil robots. This is why I always shot the scientists when I played Goldeneye on N64. I knew what they were up to, even then.